I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
