I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
