Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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