Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
