WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
