Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
