Tell her she can't have a vagina
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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