i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
