i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize