I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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