your parents love me but you hate me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm like, not good at living.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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