this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
