if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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