he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Don't make out with my wife yet
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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