i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
