This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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