mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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