My cat gives me a boner
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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