Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.