My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
