You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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