when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
