don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
