Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
