Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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