If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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