so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
there was a trapeze. enough said
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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