I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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