I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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