70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
