that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just cropdusted the office
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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