I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
