Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I would ride that face into the sunset
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
