have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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