i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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