The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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