he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
