if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
