the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
