WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
