Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
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hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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