I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
