Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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