I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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