In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
