"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
