you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
