I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize