we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
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