Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
