I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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