I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
