woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
