just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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