What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
