just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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