You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
