Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Found the puke drawer
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
