Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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