so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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