girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
