quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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