I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
