I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
