Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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